Bible 2
by MLG Larry
Summary: The sequel to the classic kid's picture book: The bIBbiL.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Not a morning person

_Author's note: I have not actually read any of the bible, so I'm just kind of expanding from what I know (which isn't much). Also please note that I am not a christian, I'm a pastafarian. Please send me your ideas and I'll try to put them in. Let's go._

Jesus woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. The ringtone was bass boosted Hallelujah (of course). He lethargically reached over to his bedside table and picked it up. It was an unknown caller.

"Hello, Jesus speaking," he answered the call.

"Wait this isn't MLG's hardware and appliances?" the caller asked in a voiced that sounded like he'd just realised something.

"No. I'm Christ. Jesus Christ."

"Jesus Christ! Is that really you?"

"No," Jesus grumbled as he hung up and put his phone back down, annoyed at being woken up before his usual 10:30. Don't judge him - Christ has his work cut out for him, what with t-posing all the time. It really takes the energy out of a man, you know?

Anyway, Jesus decided that he wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep, so he got up and headed to the kitchen. He opened the creaky pantry door and studied his options.

"To Rice Krispie, or not to Rice Krispie? That is the question," Jesus chuckled at his own joke. He poured the mildly tasty breakfast cereal into his favourite bowl. It was actually a dog bowl, but it had his name on it, so he liked it. After drowsily quaffing his breakfast, he got dressed and headed to work. Little did he know, today was going to be a _very_ strange day.

Jesus was a writer, he had obviously written the hit children's picture book "The Bible" - but personally he preferred some of his lesser known works. His favourite was probably "Shrek, the _True_ Story" which was about, well the true story of the highly modified movie adaptation.

But he also worked at a publishing company, the same one that published his books: God's Choice Publishing.

He arrived at work, surprising his boss, Mr. God, with his earliness.

"Ah, Mr. Christ, nice to see you bright and early!" Jesus just nodded in reply and sauntered over to his cubicle, where he began doing publisheresque stuff on his desktop.

A few hours into work, someone he had never met before rushed into his workspace, knocking down several stacks of paperwork. "Watch it, pal!" Jesus grumbled at the strange man.

"Oh, hallo* Jesus," the man replied surprisingly calmly. "The name's Professor Quantum, and I'm sorry to do this to you but, I'm afraid I shall have to transport you to another dimension."

*Fancy way of saying "hello."

"Are you mentally stable?" Jesus inquired.

"Depends," he answered, although it wasn't much of an answer. "Anyway, off you go, Christ." Professor Quantum fiddled with his watch, then tossed it to Jesus. He caught it, instinctively, and was instantly hit with an odd sensation. All around him, everything was warping and distorting and glitching - except for one thing. The professor.

Prof. Quantum was simply curling his mustache, clearly not noticing what was happening around him. Jesus blinked, as you do, but in the split second his eyes were closed, he was teleported to a strange environment. Everything around him was made of bread.

A blobfish made of baguettes strolled* over to him and yanked the watch out of Jesus's hand.

*Don't question it.

"Oy!" Jesus attempted to grab it back, but the blobfish dodged him with insane agility.

"See you, fellow," the blobfish spoke without moving its mouth, in Prof. Quantum's posh british voice. Then it disappeared in a flash of darkness.*

*Ha, logic.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Hey now, you're a Jesus

Jesus was feeling a bit discouraged and confused, as you would if you were alone in a dimension made entirely of bread. So he decided to sing his favourite motivational song…

"The lord once told me the Romans were gonna crucify me

I ain't the brightest deity in the universe

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of a cross on her forehead

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

Fed to the testaments and I hit the ground running

Didn't make sense not to live for God

Your brain gets dumb but your head gets religious

So much to do, so much to see

So what's wrong with going to church?

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're a Jesus, get your game on, go pray

Hey now, you're a disciple, get the show on, go pray

And all that babbles is the bible

Only religious wars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now, wait till you get older

But the pope and priests beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the biblical picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin

The holy water's getting warm so you might as well swim

Satan's world's on fire, how about yours?

That's the way he likes it and he'll never get bored

Hey now, you're a Jesus, get your game on, go pray

Hey now, you're a disciple, get the show on, go pray

And all that babbles is the bible

Only religious wars break the moldHey now, you're a Jesus, get your game on, go pray

Hey now, you're a disciple, get the show on, go pray

And all that babbles is the bible

Only religious wars...

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for holy water?

I need to get myself closer to heaven

I said yep what a concept

I could use a little holy water myself

And we could all use a little heaven

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

Fed to the testaments and I hit the ground running

Didn't make sense not to live for God

Your brain gets dumb but your head gets religious

So much to do, so much to see

So what's wrong with going to church?

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're a Jesus, get your game on, go pray

Hey now, you're a disciple, get the show on, go pray

And all that babbles is the bible

Only religious wars break the mold

And all that babbles is the bible

Only religious wars break the mold…"

Jesus was feeling a bit better so he decided to look around for something that could help him get out of this strange reality.


End file.
